Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Almost one week...

Wow, my emotions are soaring. Probably because I am pregnant.  Probably because I am a woman. Probably because a life changing event came into my life almost a week ago.

I am 42, yes 42 and pregnant. This was NOT planned and honestly at first I was not too excited about changing my family dynamics.  Life was easy.  The occasional, well everyday, talking back of my seven year old. The drama of my little girl, and the need to just get away.  But as I was standing in front of the mirror looking down at my positive pregnancy test it all became clear that this was about to get interesting.

How many times has my doctor told me about ways to control this--well I am 42 and I can figure this out.  But I suppose we got a surprise, a bonus, a gift of sorts that was unexpected.  For 18 weeks, it has taken me to get used to the fact that yes we are going to have another baby.

For many weeks, we hear, "Oh congratulations"  "This is wonderful"  "I can't wait to see the baby".  Well those responses have changed.  We now hear, "I am so sorry" , "You were chosen" "This is all going to be ok" "Its going to be so different"  "How in the world did this happen?"  "I dreamed that this happened to your baby!"  "The first thing of thought was this!"  I have only heard two time, "Congratulations!  You are having a baby!"

What occurred  to bring about so much change?  Well we have taken a three week journey on tests and more tests to figure out that our sweet baby girl is going to be born with Downs Syndrome.

This week has been so incredible.  My husband and I are meeting some of the most amazing people.   We aren't learning much, but from what I understand that is ok.  We ARE grieving, we ARE grasping the concept, and we ARE accepting that in four months our sweet baby Chambers will be here to bring joy and changes to our life.  But wouldn't any baby?

Currently my fears are:  will she be healthy, will she get here full term, will I sleep, will my children understand, will my parents understand, where will she be in 20 years, where will my other children be in 20 years.  I think its all natural feelings to be concerned with for any child.

I understand that it will not be real until she is in my arms.  But I do understand that we are in the most incredible city for this to happen. We have resources.  We are groups of people that have reached out to us and she is not even here yet.

Now every post will not be this long, but I needed to start a sort of diary to chart my feelings and chart my emotions.  Right now we are a party of four..in July we become a party of five..different yes--but aren't all new children added to your family?  Will my kids lives be enriched?  Yes, I hope so.  Will this bring my husband and I closer--I am SURE of that!

Party of Four

Eliza and Gram

Ingram and me
As I said to a friend yesterday, "Its a long rode that we know we can travel, but a turn we were shocked to see!"


  1. Tracy, thanks so much for sharing. You have a beautiful voice and many mothers out there, especially in our age group, can relate to your feelings. Your family is so adorable and I am so happy for you. All the best.

  2. Thank you for sharing this. I had three kids when I was in my early forties. I got married at age 39 and so I did not have older children. So, I can relate to what you are saying. Of course your focus here is on preparing for a child with Down syndrome and that is a big challenge. I appreciate how you write and are responding to this news. I will pray for you and your family.
    Thank you for sharing your heart and writing this.
    Bless you,
    Susan Contakes

  3. I am so glad you linked this post! Although we did not have a definite prenatal diagnosis, I can relate to the feelings. Now that my rascal is five, we are not only okay, but basking in love because of the gift she is to our family.

    Make sure you link back so other people can find your post, this is beautiful!

    And thank you for participating!

  4. This is beautiful...congrats!!!

    1. Thank you!! Amazing that in a few weeks it has been a year!! If I knew then what I know now....

  5. What a beautiful and real post. I know what this is like....when I was pregnant with my fifth son he was diagnosed with Spina Bifida. Most people didn't know what to do with that...and honestly neither did we. Now he's six, amazing, and we couldn't imagine our life without him. Congratulations....she's going to be amazing.