I am 42, yes 42 and pregnant. This was NOT planned and honestly at first I was not too excited about changing my family dynamics. Life was easy. The occasional, well everyday, talking back of my seven year old. The drama of my little girl, and the need to just get away. But as I was standing in front of the mirror looking down at my positive pregnancy test it all became clear that this was about to get interesting.
How many times has my doctor told me about ways to control this--well I am 42 and I can figure this out. But I suppose we got a surprise, a bonus, a gift of sorts that was unexpected. For 18 weeks, it has taken me to get used to the fact that yes we are going to have another baby.
For many weeks, we hear, "Oh congratulations" "This is wonderful" "I can't wait to see the baby". Well those responses have changed. We now hear, "I am so sorry" , "You were chosen" "This is all going to be ok" "Its going to be so different" "How in the world did this happen?" "I dreamed that this happened to your baby!" "The first thing of thought was this!" I have only heard two time, "Congratulations! You are having a baby!"
What occurred to bring about so much change? Well we have taken a three week journey on tests and more tests to figure out that our sweet baby girl is going to be born with Downs Syndrome.
This week has been so incredible. My husband and I are meeting some of the most amazing people. We aren't learning much, but from what I understand that is ok. We ARE grieving, we ARE grasping the concept, and we ARE accepting that in four months our sweet baby Chambers will be here to bring joy and changes to our life. But wouldn't any baby?
Currently my fears are: will she be healthy, will she get here full term, will I sleep, will my children understand, will my parents understand, where will she be in 20 years, where will my other children be in 20 years. I think its all natural feelings to be concerned with for any child.
I understand that it will not be real until she is in my arms. But I do understand that we are in the most incredible city for this to happen. We have resources. We are groups of people that have reached out to us and she is not even here yet.
Now every post will not be this long, but I needed to start a sort of diary to chart my feelings and chart my emotions. Right now we are a party of four..in July we become a party of five..different yes--but aren't all new children added to your family? Will my kids lives be enriched? Yes, I hope so. Will this bring my husband and I closer--I am SURE of that!
|Party of Four|
|Eliza and Gram|
|Ingram and me|